I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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