I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
