I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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