Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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