I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
