So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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