ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
