Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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