Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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