I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
