you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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