You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
