I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
