I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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