Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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