Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
