I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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