She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
