he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
