How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
