I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
