walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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