I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is Oprah even human
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