My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
