Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
