Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
