I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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