Do you still have your period?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I still have a little drunk in my system
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
