Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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