I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
