I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
