dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What drink are we having for lunch?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
