i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
