I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
