hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
