i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
