Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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