Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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