Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
