If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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