In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
