So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
