umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
