Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
