either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
