The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
