I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She bit a glass in half.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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