A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
