I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
