It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
im on a boat
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